open thread: what's your hidden talent?

go on, don't be modest...

When I was a little girl, I loved watching televised beauty pageants, especially Miss Universe. My favourite moment ususally occurred in the final round. Once the contestants had paraded across the stage in ballgowns and bikinis then culled down to a select herd based on a mysterious criteria of accomplishments, victim narratives and dazzling smiles, the host would swing his mic toward them and ask, “So what’s your hidden talent?”

It was not so much a question as an opportunity for the finalists to crack a sly (often borderline sexy) joke, thus winning over the judges with their cheeky feminine charisma. Often the girls treated it as a moment to highlight a party trick, ideally one they might demonstrate on camera, like being able to apply lipstick with the tube tucked in your cleavage or tying a maraschino cherry stem with your tongue, but occasionally a contestant would answer earnestly and when they did, it was fascinating.

“I am excellent parallel-parker,” Miss Moldova would say, stone-faced, prompting tepid applause. Or Miss Korea would smile and admit in a half-whisper she could rip the Seoul telephone book in half. Or mimic a perfect Scottish brogue, or remember a complicated series of directions without a map, or chop an onion without crying, or change a flat tire in the dark, or rewire a broken lamp.

Anyway, my hidden talent is doing gallery walls. A gallery wall is just a whole bunch of pictures hung together on a bare space in a way that’s aesthetically pleasing for reasons that are impossible to describe. Here’s one I did in my kitchen recently. It was after midnight and I couldn’t sleep.

I’m not fishing for compliments. It makes no sense that I’m good at gallery walls. I’m not particularly handy or possessed of an innate “design sense.” I just take a bunch of pictures, plates, hanging objects (whatever) and throw them up with a power drill and more often than not, it just sort of… works? It’s not a talent I have any interest in monetising, though I’ve obviously done it for friends.

Gallery walls are meant to be hard — that’s how I know it’s a hidden talent. I see terrible ones everywhere and it hurts my eyes to look at them. There are endless YouTube instructional videos and Pinterest How-To posts on “the art” of doing a successful one. Experts have rules about frames and colours and themes and balance and composition — but because gallery walls are instinctive to me, I pay no attention. The process is unconscious and intuitive. It’s a useless skill I am weirdly possessed of, without practice or thought. The first time I tried to do it, I just did it. And it worked. Very few things are like this in life. That’s why we all need to celebrate our hidden talents — so please, please do share yours in the comments below. I love hearing about other people’s hidden talents. It’s my favourite liven-up-a-boring-dinner-party-question. C’mon.

Wait! Before I go! I do have a rule about gallery walls. Just one, but it’s important: It needs to have flaws. It needs to be a bit cockeyed or scruffy or imbalanced somehow. What I’m trying to say is that perfect gallery wall needs to be perfectly imperfect, otherwise it won’t be perfect. Again, don’t ask me why. I’m a fan of perfection or near-perfection in other areas of life, often to my own detriment.

Now that I think of it, maybe all seemingly perfect, intensely-pleasing things actually have subtle flaws that hold them together? The difference with my hidden talent is that I instantly know where the flaws are. They happen by accident and I recognise them but I also embrace them. I surrender to the flaws without question and even fall in love with them a little bit.

Maybe that’s the secret?

Anyway, I’ve shown you mine, so now you show me yours. Go on, don’t be modest. I know you’ve got one… entertain me, please? It’s January, I’m bored.