to the young couple at the airport with two inconsolably sobbing toddlers

family holiday tips from an expert

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

First off, let go of the delusion you are going on holiday to ‘relax.’

You might be going to relax but you are not going to relax. Nor are you going to ‘reconnect,’ ‘eat delicious food,’ get a massage, go on a wine tour, do yoga or read. Yes, I know you two crazy kids intend to do all of these things, but let’s face it: You won’t.

This isn’t so bad since you don’t do these things anymore, anyway. The novelty of a holiday is that you will be not doing what you want to do most at great expense in blistering heat in a foreign country whilst not having any idea where the corkscrew is and this experience will in turn make you wonder: What’s the point of life on earth?

If you can’t see the ascetic beauty in suffering on vacation, don’t worry, you’ll learn. Small children have so much to teach us. It’s a confusing misnomer. Holidays with small children are not actually holidays, per se. They are sociological experiments dressed up as photo opportunities. A rare chance to subject your relationship to a series of interesting and exotic stress-tests, such as simmering disagreements over which one of you will get to go grocery shopping alone.

If you are lucky enough to win the coin toss, you’ll be afforded one glorious hour alone during which you will wander the air-conditioned aisles of a big box grocery chain while meditatively inspecting each tomato trying to recall why you naively bothered to pack four novels and tennis racket and also what does it feel like again?

(I mean sex.)

Not the act of sex. You’ll remember that, probably even do it. Most healthy young couples do make a point.