This part in particular stuck out: how I can earnestly endeavour to be accountable to the needs of my loved ones without precluding the possibility of change in myself, which is constant and inevitable
The thing which really taught me this lesson was a breast cancer diagnosis. It came out of the blue, in mid January 2022, just as we were hoping to get back to the kind of life we’d had before lockdown, full of plans and trips and adventures. Suddenly, all bets were off, and in fact the entire year was focussed on treatment, ultimately successful, so far.
I realised then how much is contingent. Just because you used to be able to climb a mountain doesn’t mean sheer willpower will get you back to that level of fitness after serious health issues. I really am just glad to be alive, to have more days and more options and more experiences ahead of me. My husband has found this quite difficult. He keeps asking when normal service will resume. When we’ll have challenges and goals again. But I hold everything except relationships much more lightly now. I have a little grand-daughter growing up in another country. That matters more to me than exotic trips these days. I’m happy not having much in the way of long-term goals, and I’m only gradually realising how much our culture resists this state of mind.
I read this essay this morning, whilst vacillating and anxiously vibrating on a judgy excess of coffee. Beautiful words. Full of great observations. And yes, all those seasons. Everything is one. And every thing changes.
Last summer I attended a dear old friend’s 50th birthday celebration, which included several small private music performances. The first performer opened with this song. I sat there, among lovely old and new friends, without my partner who had initially agreed to come with, but then changed her mind.
I felt a longing for the connection that she and I once shared, knowing in my mind that we were on our way to divorce, and reluctant to feel that same fact in my heart.
As Mr. Craigie sang this song, tears welled in my eyes and I had to stand up and go to the back of the room, where my sniffling wasn’t so noticeable.
Sometimes I want only to stay in this moment. Other times I can’t stand the moment any longer.
You made me think that the best "promise" is one that gets converted into an agreement. So, if some one makes a "big promise", it might be worthwhile - if that which is promised is important or vital- to seize the moment to make an agreement instead. It is a consciousness-raising exercise, and one, when you think about it, that involves basic morality, hence breaches of an agreement are much more serious than breaches of a promise.
"In the course of any given day, I love my sons so badly I would happily die for them AND I am also convinced I will die if I don’t find a way to get away from them. Am I committed to them? Of course. Ambivalence is not antithetical to enduring love and commitment, it is literally baked into the equation."
So much in this. And so how I feel about my daughters as I try to mend things with them in the wake of divorce. Oy.
I am over 80 and trying on a relationship with a smart well defined woman that I hugely respect even love. - would agree with no promises - so this piece of yours is very helpful - thanks.
Oh, this post resonates with me.
This part in particular stuck out: how I can earnestly endeavour to be accountable to the needs of my loved ones without precluding the possibility of change in myself, which is constant and inevitable
Thank you as always, Leah!
Wish I knew the answer! Thanks Rachel xxx
The thing which really taught me this lesson was a breast cancer diagnosis. It came out of the blue, in mid January 2022, just as we were hoping to get back to the kind of life we’d had before lockdown, full of plans and trips and adventures. Suddenly, all bets were off, and in fact the entire year was focussed on treatment, ultimately successful, so far.
I realised then how much is contingent. Just because you used to be able to climb a mountain doesn’t mean sheer willpower will get you back to that level of fitness after serious health issues. I really am just glad to be alive, to have more days and more options and more experiences ahead of me. My husband has found this quite difficult. He keeps asking when normal service will resume. When we’ll have challenges and goals again. But I hold everything except relationships much more lightly now. I have a little grand-daughter growing up in another country. That matters more to me than exotic trips these days. I’m happy not having much in the way of long-term goals, and I’m only gradually realising how much our culture resists this state of mind.
It’s amazing how a subtle change of perspective can change everything— thanks for sharing x
Thank you Leah. ❤️❤️❤️you add so much to my life.
That is such a kind and thoughtful thing to say, thank you for reading. xx
Very wise for such a young one….
Diana
I am 81.
A high compliment thank you!
Once again - just thank you. This is a profoundly important post.
I read this essay this morning, whilst vacillating and anxiously vibrating on a judgy excess of coffee. Beautiful words. Full of great observations. And yes, all those seasons. Everything is one. And every thing changes.
Beautiful reflections Leah. When I read your words I feel like I've been on a walk with you. Here's my part of the conversation: https://catchmydrift.blog/2021/09/13/re-promise/
Beautiful and piercing and wise. Thank you.
Last summer I attended a dear old friend’s 50th birthday celebration, which included several small private music performances. The first performer opened with this song. I sat there, among lovely old and new friends, without my partner who had initially agreed to come with, but then changed her mind.
I felt a longing for the connection that she and I once shared, knowing in my mind that we were on our way to divorce, and reluctant to feel that same fact in my heart.
As Mr. Craigie sang this song, tears welled in my eyes and I had to stand up and go to the back of the room, where my sniffling wasn’t so noticeable.
Sometimes I want only to stay in this moment. Other times I can’t stand the moment any longer.
https://open.spotify.com/track/3f08B15TEqpkpcFfTHT8S1?si=UZC3SghsRi-RhWLV5CkDqw
You made me think that the best "promise" is one that gets converted into an agreement. So, if some one makes a "big promise", it might be worthwhile - if that which is promised is important or vital- to seize the moment to make an agreement instead. It is a consciousness-raising exercise, and one, when you think about it, that involves basic morality, hence breaches of an agreement are much more serious than breaches of a promise.
"In the course of any given day, I love my sons so badly I would happily die for them AND I am also convinced I will die if I don’t find a way to get away from them. Am I committed to them? Of course. Ambivalence is not antithetical to enduring love and commitment, it is literally baked into the equation."
So much in this. And so how I feel about my daughters as I try to mend things with them in the wake of divorce. Oy.
Well done!
This has me excited! Another great piece of writing. Thanks for the uplift to "well, we got through winter".
This is a beautiful essay, Leah. So much truth and nuance.
I am over 80 and trying on a relationship with a smart well defined woman that I hugely respect even love. - would agree with no promises - so this piece of yours is very helpful - thanks.