how to have a very real problem
a user and supporter's guide
I recently had a long catch-up with a childhood girlfriend who, like me, is grappling with a Very Real Problem. When I say real, I mean real real. It’s a problem that started with a devastating tragedy involving her much younger sister, a teenager who suffers from complex mental health and addiction issues. The very real problem poses both a threat to her sister’s freedom and health as well as my girlfriend’s financial stability and livelihood. It’s a catastrophe, a worst-case scenario, a nightmare that, for months, has consumed most of her waking life, and it is not going to be resolved anytime soon.
It’s hard to describe what it feels like to live with a Very Real Problem if you are lucky enough not to have experienced it, but I will try: Have you ever had something bad happen and in the aftermath, woken up one morning feeling fine, then suddenly remembered… oh no. Do you know the feeling I mean? It’s the heart-sinking realization that all is not right, you have a problem, a hurt, and you are going to be forced to suffer and deal with it again today just like you did yesterday and you will also be dealing with it tomorrow and the day after that. Most of us have experienced this feeling and I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s no fun.
Now imagine having that feeling every morning for months or even years on end. Imagine the problem in question is not something so simple as a lost job or a bad breakup but a problem more complicated and serious, a situation that is constantly changing and over which you have very limited control. Then imagine the tangential effects of that problem are hurting you and the people you love, every minute of every day, in real-time and there is nothing, not a single thing, you can do to staunch the bleeding or heal the wound. Imagine not being able to plan ahead or even just idly daydream about the future (pleasure, love, joy!) without knowing you are being a complete and utter fantasist. Imagine that your only real job for the foreseeable future is to somehow set about solving your unsolvable problem in the impossible hope you can return to some semblance of your imperfectly normal life as it once was.
This is what a Very Real Problem feels like.
I know this because I have had one — a big one —and for the past couple of years it has consumed me. While I would not wish a VRP on anyone, the one upside of is that it does provide clarity and perspective. You learn stuff, and much of it is useful and important.