I want to be sure I understand what you are saying here. I get that you didn't buy this piece, and that you're objecting to what sounds like facile use of a loaded term. Are you also saying that if no physical damage was done, there was no abuse? Given the damage to self-worth that can happen without a single scratch or bruise, I'm having more trouble with that.
I agree with your response to your colleagues story. This could have been a journal entry not a shared piece . After sentence three of the writers report I was 'out of there'. Huge amount of energy spent that I a not interested in reviewing We all have endured situations that go on longer that they should . A story about her feelings , stay or go , or punish , or complications situations would have been ,for me much more interesting.
I never thought that my parents, actually mostly my mother, had particularly good advice but a key point she made when I was outraged by a person ,an idea was to not participate in that no win whirlwind.
I do not have any energy for contributions to this game of blame we are enduring ...
A good piece Leah. If I had read the story you read I would not have "liked" it either, for the same reasons. Advertently or inadvertently, you have thrown a light on, what?, the size of the "industry" devoted to women's stories about their relationships with men, not many of them about the glories of successful heterosexual partnerships and marriages. I fear I may be pounded by many for saying that I turn a blind eye to the entire genre. Maybe I am not the only man to do so. I suppose some might accuse me of not reading anything in the vast and growing catalogue of women's stories because I do not want to be disturbed by the truths that reside in them. Seems to me, though, that these truths are very few and that while individual stories of specific relationships will vary in detail, it is unlikely new "truths" will be discovered. Relationships can be very fraught and complicated, some in extremis, abuse and worse. Some writers are gifted so their stories are to be appreciated on that count. Some are self-critical, some aren't. The general drift is in the direction of victimhood, and why wouldn't it be? A man writing self-critically about the same relationship might reveal his own faults and shortcomings, but he might also reveal his feeling that he too was a victim, not necessarily of her, but of the dynamic that led to the crumbling and collapse of their relationship.
The words we use become us. I applaud all those who measure their words before speaking them. Definitions matter. A single word can damn or enlighten. As a fellow feminist, as a humanist, I'm thankful to you Leah for examining this powerful word: Abuse. And, I'll heart you for your personal essay.
I feel especially sheepish commenting on this, being a man. But I wanted to let you know that I "liked" your post first because I want to support painfully honest and circumspect writing, but also because I am re-considering the use of the term "abuse," even privately, and even in my own mind - to describe my ex's behavior - for some (not all) of the reasons you have so precisely articulated.
Well done critical appraisal- intelligent view of emotional exposition!
Thank you!
I want to be sure I understand what you are saying here. I get that you didn't buy this piece, and that you're objecting to what sounds like facile use of a loaded term. Are you also saying that if no physical damage was done, there was no abuse? Given the damage to self-worth that can happen without a single scratch or bruise, I'm having more trouble with that.
I agree with your response to your colleagues story. This could have been a journal entry not a shared piece . After sentence three of the writers report I was 'out of there'. Huge amount of energy spent that I a not interested in reviewing We all have endured situations that go on longer that they should . A story about her feelings , stay or go , or punish , or complications situations would have been ,for me much more interesting.
I never thought that my parents, actually mostly my mother, had particularly good advice but a key point she made when I was outraged by a person ,an idea was to not participate in that no win whirlwind.
I do not have any energy for contributions to this game of blame we are enduring ...
A good piece Leah. If I had read the story you read I would not have "liked" it either, for the same reasons. Advertently or inadvertently, you have thrown a light on, what?, the size of the "industry" devoted to women's stories about their relationships with men, not many of them about the glories of successful heterosexual partnerships and marriages. I fear I may be pounded by many for saying that I turn a blind eye to the entire genre. Maybe I am not the only man to do so. I suppose some might accuse me of not reading anything in the vast and growing catalogue of women's stories because I do not want to be disturbed by the truths that reside in them. Seems to me, though, that these truths are very few and that while individual stories of specific relationships will vary in detail, it is unlikely new "truths" will be discovered. Relationships can be very fraught and complicated, some in extremis, abuse and worse. Some writers are gifted so their stories are to be appreciated on that count. Some are self-critical, some aren't. The general drift is in the direction of victimhood, and why wouldn't it be? A man writing self-critically about the same relationship might reveal his own faults and shortcomings, but he might also reveal his feeling that he too was a victim, not necessarily of her, but of the dynamic that led to the crumbling and collapse of their relationship.
The words we use become us. I applaud all those who measure their words before speaking them. Definitions matter. A single word can damn or enlighten. As a fellow feminist, as a humanist, I'm thankful to you Leah for examining this powerful word: Abuse. And, I'll heart you for your personal essay.
I feel especially sheepish commenting on this, being a man. But I wanted to let you know that I "liked" your post first because I want to support painfully honest and circumspect writing, but also because I am re-considering the use of the term "abuse," even privately, and even in my own mind - to describe my ex's behavior - for some (not all) of the reasons you have so precisely articulated.