Since the Queen died I’ve been thinking quite a lot about small talk and my passionate lifelong love/hate relationship with it.
I’m quite chatty by nature but in an impatient way. I like to skip the starter and get into the meat of the discussion quickly. Too many platitudes and pleasantries make me tetchy. I like to be surprised and I’m prone to asking impertinent questions. I gravitate toward people who tell me weird stories and make slightly twisted jokes. I’d much rather be mildly offended than bored.
Depending on my mood I might cross the street to avoid talking to a friend or a colleague, not because I don’t like them but because I’m deep in some interior rumination. While at other times I might fritter away half the morning talking to the boiler repair man over tea and biscuits about his recent holiday in Egypt and how it was tragically interrupted by his brother’s brain aneurysm.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I love small talk as long as it’s going somewhere. I dislike extended chat about, say, the weather. Or where I’m going on holiday at half term. Or (worst of all) clothes, make up and hair. Or the Queen’s funeral for that matter. Subconsciously I’m always trying, like Eliot’s J. Alfred Prufrock, to “force the moment to its crisis,” usually in the form of an anecdote, joke or left-field insight. I like chewy conversations with flavour and depth, which is, in a sense, precisely what small talk was invented to prevent.
The Queen, by all accounts, was a master of small talk, as apparently are the rest of the Windsors. I mean you’d need to be good at it wouldn’t you, if your life was one long dog and pony show? All the tiaras and palaces in the world wouldn’t be enough for me to spend a week in royal shoes. It’s not even the fact I’m a republican so much as the thought of all nervous, polite conversations… just the idea of it makes me want to climb out of my own skin.
So this week’s open thread topic is small talk: Do love it or hate it, and if so why?
Also: Any tricks or tips for ways into interesting conversations with strangers?
I’ve used the Queen’s trick of “Have you come far?” and found it quite fruitful, but not as good as “So what have you done today?” Both are so much better for eliciting specific details about the person you’re chatting to, than the benignly disingenuous “How are you?” which is a direct route to remarks about the weather.
My dad was the master of small talk, or so I thought until I understood that he was really a great listener. My mother was frightfully dismissive; any conversation had to be bare bones. I'm a curious sort, so I often offend unintentionally with my questions. My favourite opener when meeting someone new is, "How do you express your artistic side."
That is a brilliant question, in part because it's actually a stealth compliment posing as a question (and who doesn't secretly believe they have an artistic side). As for your parents it makes a funny kind of sense that a good listener and a dismissive conversationalist would have a nosey son. I say that as an extremely nosey person myself.
It’s the thing that I miss most about living in NYC- the great, sometimes weird but most times intimate and deep conversations that I found myself always having with strangers- can drivers were among my favorite! My husband would be endlessly entertained and and shocked by the tidbits of information that I would repeat at the end of the day. It’s the thing that I hated most about living in California- uninteresting small talk the usually end with the phrase I hate the most -“ no worries “! No worries? Are you dead???
I have a gift for it, well honed at business dinners with my hubby, seated between two (often) strangers. I’m genuinely curious so I ask a lot of questions which encourages people to talk. And talk And talk. Problem solved😉
Me too! My kids think I must have been a psychoanalyst in my last life! But people are endlessly fascinating- especially the small stuff! Who said that life is about 99% of the small stuff? I can’t remember the exact quote but it’s so true!
So I recently asked someone I had just met “how are you?” And his reply was this: “You’re Canadian right? (Right) So I will answer you fully - because you actually want to know. My bowels have been awful today. I called my doctor and he said take over the counter meds before booking an appointment”. We had our business meeting. The next day I felt it important to check on his health issue. All fine! Somehow the real reply has now formed a bond of sorts. And all because this Englishman thinks Canadians means it when they ask “how are you?”. I always mean it, but don’t know if it’s a National trait.
Hahahaha! I always find it sort of startling when I go back to Canada and say how are you to people and they start telling me their boring life.... babe, you're a nicer person than me. (But we knew that.)
I am usually asking total strangers how they are doing, especially folks working in stores or restaurants. The small talk makes us human after being prisoners for the last two years.
A recent column from David Brooks in the NYT explores this.
That Brooks column is great. And yes, I agree that random conversations with strangers really does life the mood. Also, I notice I'm much more prone to strike one one up when I'm feeling happy which is interesting. So perhaps when we are happy we owe it to everyone else to go around making small talk?
The happy part is so true, even in other things. I realize I am a much better friend when I am happy in contrast to when I am sad. Though I have met people who are better friends during tough times because that's when they need emotional support. I thought this was interesting as it further proved how extremely self-reliant I am... *cue nervous laughter*
I was burned by good friends over the course of the summer and I am still so upset I have not spoken to any of them since June and they have not called me either.
However, before leaving for happier climes, I spoke some truth to their power over why they upset me. Oh yes, I did tell them I loved them.
Hmmm… I’m thinking about how by providing emotional support, even to total strangers (yes, through small talk, smiles, nods…) we drain part of our reserves as we tank up while moving along.
Hate small talk. I would also like to, "be mildly offended than bored." This strategy makes for some really funny friends too!
My trick is not so much a trick, but I like to reveal something unconventional about myself (that I have already processed & don't mind talking about it anymore). From what I have noticed, this usually makes others comfortable sharing stories about themselves hehe
I’ll be on the lookout for either of you the next time I go to a party. I may be the one wearing the bearskin shorts.
Oh, in answer to my own question on the provenance of the bear skins adorning the UK soldiers as well as our own, they are from Canada (source Wikipedia).
I won’t tell you where the Swedes get theirs but it’s ironically a non-renewable. Black bears do renew themselves.
I think the key to small talk is asking an open question of any sort - even if it's 'how are you today'? It shows you're interested. Then LISTEN to the answer - and find something to pick up on. That way you're showing a). you're interested in what they have to say and b). it's about them not you. I used to perform a Monty Python sketch with a friend called 'Hendon' which (very amusingly) shows how not to do small talk. The Python version is at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOjuSHgcLKQ
I'd forgotten about that sketch -- brilliant. And yes, of course you are absolutely right about listening -- present active listening is so rare in small talk situations and it's remarkable how much it enlivens and elevates the conversation, making it a connection rather than an empty exchange!
I find most small talk boring and sometimes avoid people I like very much because I can’t endure the inevitable conversation. I do enjoy small talk about controversial issues with people I know have total opposite political viewpoints than me. This can be dangerous but I ease into it with something like, “I know we see this from opposite sides of the political aisle but I am very interested in your thought process on this”. Those are the most fascinating conversations. Also, more than half the time we end up agreeing more than we disagree.
Hahaha, I love this, especially "you never have to be real." Funny because it's true, sometimes real talk can be very exhausting. As for golf, I once had a boyfriend who was from a golf family and hoooo boy, golf chat really does kill the hours, doesn't it? I wonder what golfers actually talk for the seven hours they're golfing? (don't say golf!!!)
My dad was the master of small talk, or so I thought until I understood that he was really a great listener. My mother was frightfully dismissive; any conversation had to be bare bones. I'm a curious sort, so I often offend unintentionally with my questions. My favourite opener when meeting someone new is, "How do you express your artistic side."
That is a brilliant question, in part because it's actually a stealth compliment posing as a question (and who doesn't secretly believe they have an artistic side). As for your parents it makes a funny kind of sense that a good listener and a dismissive conversationalist would have a nosey son. I say that as an extremely nosey person myself.
It’s the thing that I miss most about living in NYC- the great, sometimes weird but most times intimate and deep conversations that I found myself always having with strangers- can drivers were among my favorite! My husband would be endlessly entertained and and shocked by the tidbits of information that I would repeat at the end of the day. It’s the thing that I hated most about living in California- uninteresting small talk the usually end with the phrase I hate the most -“ no worries “! No worries? Are you dead???
Agreed. New Yorkers raise small talk to a high art. It is NEVER boring!
I chat up strangers all the time. So interesting. And you’re right about cabbies!
I have a gift for it, well honed at business dinners with my hubby, seated between two (often) strangers. I’m genuinely curious so I ask a lot of questions which encourages people to talk. And talk And talk. Problem solved😉
I envy your gift and might need private lessons in future.
Me too! My kids think I must have been a psychoanalyst in my last life! But people are endlessly fascinating- especially the small stuff! Who said that life is about 99% of the small stuff? I can’t remember the exact quote but it’s so true!
Really enjoyed the post - thank you. I liked the thought about changing to ‘have you traveled a long way today?’ Will use that next time :-)
Thank Her Maj!
Based on your writing, I instinctively surmised you and I had something in common Ms.McL.
A favourite of mine is making a political statement under the guise of small talk.
How many of the bears slaughtered for those hats in this morning’s procession were Canadian?
Brilliant idea -- rather subversive. And not just political but a joke!
So I recently asked someone I had just met “how are you?” And his reply was this: “You’re Canadian right? (Right) So I will answer you fully - because you actually want to know. My bowels have been awful today. I called my doctor and he said take over the counter meds before booking an appointment”. We had our business meeting. The next day I felt it important to check on his health issue. All fine! Somehow the real reply has now formed a bond of sorts. And all because this Englishman thinks Canadians means it when they ask “how are you?”. I always mean it, but don’t know if it’s a National trait.
Hahahaha! I always find it sort of startling when I go back to Canada and say how are you to people and they start telling me their boring life.... babe, you're a nicer person than me. (But we knew that.)
I am usually asking total strangers how they are doing, especially folks working in stores or restaurants. The small talk makes us human after being prisoners for the last two years.
A recent column from David Brooks in the NYT explores this.
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/25/opinion/social-life-talk-strangers.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
I have taken to asking mysterious FB friend seekers «Who are you?» after allowing them in. Answers are seldom satisfactory!
That Brooks column is great. And yes, I agree that random conversations with strangers really does life the mood. Also, I notice I'm much more prone to strike one one up when I'm feeling happy which is interesting. So perhaps when we are happy we owe it to everyone else to go around making small talk?
The happy part is so true, even in other things. I realize I am a much better friend when I am happy in contrast to when I am sad. Though I have met people who are better friends during tough times because that's when they need emotional support. I thought this was interesting as it further proved how extremely self-reliant I am... *cue nervous laughter*
I suspect the fact that you are even worried about how/when/why you are or aren't a better friend makes you... a better friend.
I think I agree with you, Leah.
I was burned by good friends over the course of the summer and I am still so upset I have not spoken to any of them since June and they have not called me either.
However, before leaving for happier climes, I spoke some truth to their power over why they upset me. Oh yes, I did tell them I loved them.
So, I guess I really do agree with you, Leah!
that's so sweet of you to say *crying* <3
Hmmm… I’m thinking about how by providing emotional support, even to total strangers (yes, through small talk, smiles, nods…) we drain part of our reserves as we tank up while moving along.
Is this what Karma could be all about?
That's such a great take on Karma!
Small talking has been difficult for the obvious reasons, yet even a masked smile shows up in our eyes, a quick wave or a nod.
I have not recently met the eyes provoking a much needed « coup de foudre » though!
Keep on smiling then and nodding and especially glancing because one never knows what the tide will bring in.
Hate small talk. I would also like to, "be mildly offended than bored." This strategy makes for some really funny friends too!
My trick is not so much a trick, but I like to reveal something unconventional about myself (that I have already processed & don't mind talking about it anymore). From what I have noticed, this usually makes others comfortable sharing stories about themselves hehe
We would get a long at a party I think.
Yes hahah, imagine all the fun conversations/memories! You should visit Penn State if you visit America anytime soon :)
I’ll be on the lookout for either of you the next time I go to a party. I may be the one wearing the bearskin shorts.
Oh, in answer to my own question on the provenance of the bear skins adorning the UK soldiers as well as our own, they are from Canada (source Wikipedia).
I won’t tell you where the Swedes get theirs but it’s ironically a non-renewable. Black bears do renew themselves.
Yep- it gives people the ‘permission’ to be open!
I think the key to small talk is asking an open question of any sort - even if it's 'how are you today'? It shows you're interested. Then LISTEN to the answer - and find something to pick up on. That way you're showing a). you're interested in what they have to say and b). it's about them not you. I used to perform a Monty Python sketch with a friend called 'Hendon' which (very amusingly) shows how not to do small talk. The Python version is at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOjuSHgcLKQ
I'd forgotten about that sketch -- brilliant. And yes, of course you are absolutely right about listening -- present active listening is so rare in small talk situations and it's remarkable how much it enlivens and elevates the conversation, making it a connection rather than an empty exchange!
I find most small talk boring and sometimes avoid people I like very much because I can’t endure the inevitable conversation. I do enjoy small talk about controversial issues with people I know have total opposite political viewpoints than me. This can be dangerous but I ease into it with something like, “I know we see this from opposite sides of the political aisle but I am very interested in your thought process on this”. Those are the most fascinating conversations. Also, more than half the time we end up agreeing more than we disagree.
Hahaha, I love this, especially "you never have to be real." Funny because it's true, sometimes real talk can be very exhausting. As for golf, I once had a boyfriend who was from a golf family and hoooo boy, golf chat really does kill the hours, doesn't it? I wonder what golfers actually talk for the seven hours they're golfing? (don't say golf!!!)
That’s interesting because in my experience it’s usually the most real people are?!